Sunday, August 5, 2018

Nathan and the Donald: A modern fable

            That Nathan the prophet came to see me today.  A total loser.  He dumped a load of fake news about me killing some guy named Uriah (what kind of a name is Uriah anyway) and having sex with his wife Bathsheba. Total fake news. I didn’t have anything to do with Uriah getting killed. I guess he just wasn’t a good enough solider. A total loser.  As for Bathsheba, well she is a total babe, but I never had sex with her.  Anyone who thinks so needs to talk to my lawyer—he’s the one in the ostrich coat (or is that the other guy?). Anyway, I didn’t have sex with that woman and the kid’s not mine and nobody can prove it.  It’s all fake news made up by 17 angry Saulites who haven’t gotten over their man losing the kingdom.  And he did lose, hugely! You should have seen the crowd at my coronation.  It was huge! So don’t go on to me about baby lambs and repentance.  Don’t threaten me with divine punishment! I tell you those prophets are the enemies of the people.  We need to find a way to shut them down and stop all their fake news.  And you know what, I’ll bet this Uriah was a problem anyway. He was a Hittite for crying out loud.  He was probably from one of those violent Hittite gangs coming over the border. You know what they are like.  We need to deport all those Hittites back to Hitia or wherever they are from.  So, just to make it clear, I don’t need to make any little sacrifices and sing any sad songs.  Your favorite King has done nothing wrong and you can’t prove it anyway. But out of kindness to Bathsheba, I did hire her to work in the palace with me.  So what if her husband was a Hittite.  He probably seduced her anyway.  You know how those Hittites are. Well, I’ve got to get back to work for the people of Israel. Don’t worry about anything  those prophets say, they’re all liars anyway.

King Donald

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